After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
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Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.