[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
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Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Still a very good boi….
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
The options really are this bad
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.