[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
You Might Also Like
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?