After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
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What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Ah..makes sense now
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head