[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
You Might Also Like
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.