After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
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Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Plant care tips
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station