After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
You Might Also Like
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Discuss
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.