After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
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*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
True
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”