After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
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Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
With prices going up and wages staying the same, I want to share some important information with you all. I know a place where you can still get gas for under $4
Taco Bell
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR