[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
You Might Also Like
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.