After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
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When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.