[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
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Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Expect the unexporcupine.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
peeping toms
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Sharon I have some bad news
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.