@GABBYdaAngSaya

[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.

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@MissLynette13

Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.

@daemonic3

Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.

@jonnysun

imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”

@GrowlyGrego

My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.

@QwertyJones3

[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.

@BlairLoudly

Me: SPIDER!

Brain: Nope, fluff.

Me: SPIDER!

Brain: That is a fly.

Me: SPIDER!!!

Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.

@bigmacher

The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.

@Jandalize

I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.