*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
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When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]