[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
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4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
who named him groot and not spruce lee
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?