After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
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The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call: