@THEPokerWife

After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.

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@abhorrent_wife

Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”

Nailed it.

@kelkulus

I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.

@SamGrittner

I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”

@Floatersfinest

People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?

@amburgklur

Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.

@Fred_Delicious

Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face

@CourageDR

I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.

@JasonLastname

How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?

@AndyRichter

Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music