After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.

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Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”

Nailed it.


I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.


I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”


People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?


Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.


Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face


I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.


How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?


Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music