After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
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My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
what could possibly go wrong?
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
This was the best day of my life
Simple enough.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.