After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
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My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.