*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
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*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.