[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
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Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.