[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
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Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
Never be a pizza!
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm