*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
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*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
two people or more is called a problem
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.