(after sex)
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You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Nigella has gone too far this time.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me