After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
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the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you