(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
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I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that