After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
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I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
thank god the sign was there
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )