Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.

Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal

Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.

gf: i’m leaving you

me: is it because i act like i know everything?

gf: yea-

me: i knew it

boy: WOLF!

villager: nope, that’s a coyote

boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me

villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars

angel: whatcha making?

god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger

I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game

ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.

FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.

God making Khaki

God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down

Angel: Nice!

G: But it shows every pee drip

A: Hilarious!

If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.

[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys

What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?

The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.

*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say

left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it

He was looking for a job and then he found a job

That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork

Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.

If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.

Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.

an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today

*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*

My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?

me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth

ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.

FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.

ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.

If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.

Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate

Me: I got the buffet 🤭

Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?

TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)

Therapist: Go on

TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!

I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head

Win some, lose some

Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.