@junejuly12

After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.

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@AnitaHelmet

Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?

Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.

@TheNardvark

If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”

@Mardigroan

I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?

My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—

Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!

@spaceboyriley

Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes

Everyone: *freaking out*

Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours

Everyone: *calms down*

Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff

@elle91

Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.

@allisongeroi

My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory

@Reverend_Scott

Fun Fact:

Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.

@PostCultRev

I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.

@daddydoubts

My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.