After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
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playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths