Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any

me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses

A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.

My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.

I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.

the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling

ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?

HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that

If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.

The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:

Sup

Hello dear

Thanks for the follow!

Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?

Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”

I get it fireworks, people set me off too.

If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear

Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.

Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.

I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.

Luke: Did you get the card I made you?

Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.

Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.

[at White Castle]

clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen

[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!

They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.

Make it a habit to cry and act unhinged at meetings so you’re never invited back

Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*

If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk.

Ducks don’t talk…

I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.

OH. COME. ON.

My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”

The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.

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The Chosen Phew

I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating

I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.

Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.

Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie

Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!