[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
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Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.