After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
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girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Just grow your own
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.