After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
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If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.