After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
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wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.