After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
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Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
there’s probably a fee though
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.