After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
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“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
some things should go without saying
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.