After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
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[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is