After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.

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I will do some shady shit for a mocha.

Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!






There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”


“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”


Dad: I’m so hungry.

Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!

*Dad turns head very slowly*

[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]


Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.


Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.