After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
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If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
What about second breakfast?
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!