@DrunjAF The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
@djdarrellripley After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
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@DrunjAF 
@EkaBakie Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
@FatherWithTwins I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
@KentWGraham Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
@TheBoydP If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
@bacon_gillepic Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
@DanMentos his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
@TheHyyyype [first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
@goldengateblond Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
@CCRuns I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me