After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
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Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no