@djdarrellripley

After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..

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@IamEveryDayPpl

Coworker: Do you have any snacks?

Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?

Coworker:

Me: Top desk drawer.

@neiltyson

Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.

@omgshuddup

I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.

Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.

@KenJennings

I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.

@batkaren

MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.

@longwall26

“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”

@jessokfine

They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.