@IamEveryDayPpl Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
@djdarrellripley After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
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@IamEveryDayPpl 
@neiltyson Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
@omgshuddup I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
@msdanifernandez him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
@KenJennings I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
@KalvinMacleod Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
@batkaren MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
@longwall26 “Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
@Crunch11b All is fair in drunk and war.
@jessokfine They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.