The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
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Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me