@djdarrellripley

After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..

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@DrunjAF

The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.

@EkaBakie

Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.

@FatherWithTwins

I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.

@KentWGraham

Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.

@TheBoydP

If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?

@bacon_gillepic

Stuffs more popcorn in my face*

Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?

@DanMentos

his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty

@TheHyyyype

[first day in gang]

LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart

ME: oh i am

LEADER: prove it

ME: *names every street in city*

LEADER: holy shit

@goldengateblond

Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE

@CCRuns

I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me