After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
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Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
multitasking lunch
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣