Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@heymonroe

Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.

@pharmasean

I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.

@GDUB18T

I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.

@J_Dazzle76

If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.

@Greg_1_Leg

Them: I wish for world peace

Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu

@CandyEmpires

Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”

@MenMusings

The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.

@DaddyJew

Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”

@Smooheed

Writing a personal ad. So far I have:

Has all own teeth

@TheTweetOfGod

Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.