[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
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Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Friends that check up on you >
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something