[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
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Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.