[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
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If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…