After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
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Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
it was a valiant fight
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
(Electricians.)
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.