After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
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Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
That’s enough internet for the day
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*