After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
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I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working