After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
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*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
This bar smells like my childhood.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt