[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
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Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.