[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
You Might Also Like
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
This is my emotional support knife.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.