Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
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“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount