Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
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Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
You had me at “define legal”.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…