Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
You Might Also Like
Autocorrect completely socks
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
embroidery proof arrived and as expected, it does not make my wife laugh
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
#Caturday
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
Just did a big green poo by a canal
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.