Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.

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Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.


I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”


Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again


To err is human… To not know what err means is American.


I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles


If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.


Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.


I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.