@OMGSoOverIt

Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.

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@exhaustedplantt

Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.

@robyn_vo

I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”

@hardasamother

Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again

@Brentweets

To err is human… To not know what err means is American.

@Lottie_Poppie

I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles

@trevso_electric

If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.

@WetzelGeek

Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.

@Greg_1_Leg

I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.