Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
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Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Catering service
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting