Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
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Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.